8 YEARS HIGHER POWERED

Today eight years ago I got sober. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.This particular morning I awoke with a beer beside my bed, and even drank from it,I always took one to bed, whether I finished it or not, and when I got up my back felt numb, I had been given a bottle of pills from someone who picked me up hitchhiking the night before, didn't know what they were, just looking to get high. I had taken several, and drank heavily. I always drank heavily,I couldn't get enough. This numbness really scared me, I had no idea how many pills I had taken or much recollection of the night before. This time I had really hit bottom, and the only way to go was up, so down on my knees I went and pleaded to God for help. I got up and immediately dumped the bottle of pills down the toilet, this was real, I would never throw pills away. A weight had been lifted from me immediately. It is kind of a blur from there, as I found myself going to meetings every night and really embracing this new way of life. I didn't look back, I wanted this with all my heart! I did what I could,I asked God to strengthen me in my weakness.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me,and have faith in me,then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27

I didn't pick up and went to meetings. I read and studied the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned a lot about myself from this book, I learned how to deal with what I discovered. I got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to church and my life was filled with a newness, a bright hope. Days went by running into each other as each twenty four hours by the Grace of God, I came out of them sober. I know I was carried through that first week, He truly does the rest when we do our best! I am testifying that to you now, that he knows when we do our best because He takes over from there. We are not perfect in ourselves, but we can become perfect in Him, just by doing what we can do, and when He does his part, He completes it, we are perfect in Him. We can do no more, it is done. He has done for us what we could not do for ourselves.Now we stay the course, using the tools we have been given in A.A, improving everyday our conscious contact with our Higher Power, and asking for his will for us and the power to carry that out, and we don't pick up for any reason. There is never a reason to pick up, that is not an option for me any more.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality- safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.- Big Book of A.A-
There is nothing that my Heavenly Father and I can't get through together. I am grateful for my sobriety today and every day. I do what I can do, and leave the rest to my Heavenly Father. He never lets me down. I will never leave thee nor forsake thee, He said it, He is the source of Truth, Beauty and Light. I say these things in the name of My Higher power, my Savior, My Lord,and my God, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Loving my Daughter from the start........

Happy Birthday Jill Elizabeth
I hope your day brings you the most wonderful surprises
The most JOY, the most LOVE
I am remembering the many hours it took for you to get here
I am remembering the ice storm
the valentine cupcake
mostly I remember a beautiful wrapped up gift from God
laid in my arms for the first time
with long dark hair and dark dark eyes
and the most perfect little mouth
and I was thinking, she is mine, this is her, this is who I have been waiting all these months to come. It was like a dream
she is mine, I get to take her home!
Happy Birthday Jill I love you

Your Pain

is the breaking

of the shell

that encloses

your understanding

-Kahil Gibran-

Raining In My Heart

Here is the painting, I call it, Raining In My Heart

Here is what you said............

THE FIGURE STRIKES ME AS A CONTEMPLATIVE MAN, UMBRELLA UP, BUT ONLY A DRIZZLE REMAINS AFTER A HEAVY RAIN (THE BLACK DOWNWARD STROKES TO THE RIGHT APPEAR TO REPRESENT A GOODLY AMOUNT OF WATER STILL DRIPPING FROM A BRANCH.) I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND WHETHER HE IS TROUBLED WITH HIS THOUGHTS OR JUST TAKING A PEACEFUL STROLL??? Dolly

Rene is heading home to his usual dinner of late (since his wife left him) of a simple plate of Gruyere, boiled egg, roasted fennel and bread which he tears into bite sized pieces and eats as he gazes out his kitchen window in hopes of her return.Au Revoir, Amy

i think the little guy's obviously not too happy, guessing by the grayness of everything around him. i dont think he's seeing much of the worlds wonders right now, he's sort of stuck in his own little gray world, not really knowing where he's going at all, metaphorically speaking of coarse. Ben
Hey Kim,I think the man is least significant in the picture.He is the opposite of all that surrounds him. He is passing through.Trees, Stone or asphalt streets,buildings and the sky are permanent,or semi-permanent. He is fleeting they are staying.Its alot bigger than him.xoxo Cathy
My name is Mr. Smith, It is here that I take solitude in my day, recapping my day's thinking. Everything that went on today,everything that I still have to do. Every thing that I would like to do. Yet I find the wet cold dark night a blanket to the very thought of now. How lucky I am to have the job,and to be done with my day and to have this small space in time to call my own,safe under my umbrella.I'm going home to my humble castle,where I'll make a homemade chicken soup,with warm biscuits. I'll unclothe and get into the comforts of my sweats. I'll build a fire in my fire place and snugggle in with the new book I bought. I look forward to this time of day. I love my long walk home each day and....Libby
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone….Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, and this time she’s gone to stay. And I know I know I know I know….(man in the picture) John

I think he is late for work, he is a business man in a suit and is walking very fast to get there. Jill

He had been walking forever it seemed. Walking and thinking, watching the rain fly off the tips of his shoes. Why hadn't he taken the car in and had it looked at. Now he was miles from where he left it and miles from where he had to be. No one was out. Too rainy, too dismal for walkers. Walking and walking, well he needed time to think anyway, thinking of what had happened that week. He wasn't sure why he had been so jumpy. Why did he let this build up all week, this ball inside him. Walking and walking, he looked up. Crap, where am I? How did I get here? Which way should I go? On one side it looked so bleak, almost like an abandoned street, the other way was more alive. He turned , hoping he was right. Lost for sure, but hoping he was right.Stacey

I'm a person that likes color. However, I can appreciate something in black and white. It's artistic. It tells its own story and really sets a tone and a mood for what is being portrayed. However, you called the painting "Raining in my Heart." I automatically felt sad when I read that title. I'm not sure what is causing the rain in the man's heart or if you are even referring to the man's heart and not someone else's, for that matter. But when I look at the tree, I automatically want to see green! The street is probably black and wet from the rain. The buildings are probably brown and dingy red brick with gray. The sky is probably gray from the storm. The man is a business man with a black trench coat and probably a black umbrella.



But the one thing in that painting that I noticed was that you didn't portray the tree as a sad and gray, leafless twig. You painted leaves! Leaves are green and beautiful. I imagine this as a rainy, spring day. The season of the start of new life! The tree is just starting to grow leaves, again. It is starting new life. Even though most of the world around the man is sad and gray, he looks up at the tree and sees new life. He sees the small green leaves as a glimmer of new life and a glimmer of hope in his sad world on that day.



The message that I get from the painting is that even though it may be raining in your heart sometimes, there is always something to look forward to! There is always something to focus on that can make you happy and get you through the day. For the man, it was the green leaves. They inspired him to look at the positive and look through the rain to see the sun that tomorrow will bring. He might have had a harsh winter. He may have lost a loved one, lost his job, felt lonely, etc... But when he saw the green leaves starting to peak out from the tree, it signified to him the start of new life. It inspired him to start HIS new life...to leave the past in the past and start this new season with a new attitude. The dreary days will soon be gone and the sun will shine! Holly Jean

In Memory of Steve

Up All Night Painting

First hour of 2009

Happy New Year

Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing
- Georgia O'Keefe-

The artist goes through states of fullness
and
emptiness,
and that is all there is to the mystery of art.

Pablo Picasso

Mama's Tree

Merry Christmas Eve

This is Mama's tree
She loved this tree

I hope she can see the lights on it now
I can see them Ma
I love you so much my Mama

Christmas lights and flowers

But for now back in Florida...... These are my snowflakes hanging in my little palm tree.....and the most wonderful scent is in the air from these flowers, that only come out and open at night at Christmas time, giving the most Heavenly perfume to the air.The cool breezes gently blow the snowflake lights around and send the perfume from the flowers everywhere! This is Christmas now.

If only in my mind......

I wish I were here today, trudging through the snow
just for a moment I can hear my brother laugh as he tells a story of when we were growing up. I can see my sisters faces as they and I look adoringly apon him so happy we are all together once more.When we go inside there is a fire roaring quietly behind the doors of the fireplace. My sister in law would be in the kitchen putting away groceries she just bought from the store a half hour away. I would walk past the kitchen into the empty room with the piano, it seems just the piano room, I've never seen anything else in there, and I would sit down and play..... just listening to the keys coming together to make a melody.... maybe one I have never heard, maybe they play themselves, as I think of how relaxed and happy I feel, or sad, whatever the case may be. We are waiting for everyone to come from the barn, the upstairs, the living room, and from outside. Soon we all eat together like we did when we were kids I like to gaze upon a picture and go into it. I loved coming here today....... if only in my mind.

December 16th

Happy Birthday Amy my beloved sister
You are such a beautiful woman
You are kind with a loving smile
you are genuine and warm with lovely blue eyes
you care about others and make certain they know it
you are talented in so many ways
You have a gift of bringing out the best in others
You encourage and build up,focused on the good
seeing the differences in people and celebrating them
saying with your heart.............
you were never made to fit in.......
you were made to stand out.
I Love you very much......Happy Birthday Amy

Happy Birthday Holly Jean
Wherever you are today....know all day I am thinking of the day you were born, I am reliving every moment of that precious day 26 years ago and I love you more than I can ever tell you or show you..........but my heart knows..........please have an awesome day!!!!!
With all the love my heart holdsxxxxxoooo

December Moon

It is December and time to paint the moon again! I think subconsciously I have been waiting for it (the face) to come back because I saw it in the moon last night, and it was only partly full.......tonight it is close to being full, I will be looking for it tomorrow night!This painting is a watercolor, I was able to get it down faster! There were clouds all around, and I had to keep waiting for the clouds to pass over it, and it kept going higher and higher..... I started sketching it standing in my doorway and looking straight up at it before it went too high. I feel I got a better likeness of the sadness, and I know I will keep getting closer to what I see in my mind everytime I paint it

Luna Zinnia

November and it is almost over............
Into my painting.......into the moon when it was full this month
The face is very hard to capture.........but every time I paint it I feel I am getting closer. There is a sadness to it and I couldn't quite get that, but I will........There is an immense depth and distance to it........ very aloof, and I really couldn't get that at all......and I don't know if I ever will. I felt very alive, and excited and didn't make it to bed until very early in the morning the three nights I worked on it, My dog stays up with me and she senses my excitement I had to keep going outside to look at it and to connect with it..... and then back to the canvas. finally on the third night I knew it was gone for another month and I knew there was no more to this painting. This one like the face in the moon was finished.........

Gratitude

I am going to stay with the current theme of my favorite blogger, Grinning patient John.......
I am grateful for.......
New Months.....Leaving behind the old and embracing the new.
Breezes......Is there anything softer than the night breeze?
Daughters......and Sons.....better pieces of you, and their daughters and sons, better pieces of them......
Sobriety
The Glory of the Morning........God's recreation of the new day.
Butterflies.........precious,and free.... fleeting.... I wonder how they stopped by me in their journey and I always say hello....
The Moon........A great confidant
Nephews.....and, Nieces.....seeing extensions of your brothers and sisters.
Those who inspire me........These come in many guises......
paint.........every kind,every color
Quotes that make me think......and feel.......
People that believe in me.....even and especially when I don't.
Rain,soft, cool and...... dripping on my face
and Trees.....They have such a real live spirit about them,when I paint them, they always come out with arms....
clouds.........
Brothers.....and
Sisters.......They just know us.....who we really are, even if we forgot..........
Flowers of course....The very deep center, there's a secret surprise in there, that you will never see just passing by....
And
My Heavenly Father for all that he is, all that he stands for, his unfailing patience,mercy, forgiveness and his unconditional love and for all he has given me......... all of the above.

For these things and many more I am grateful.
Let us give thanks in all things.........
Count your blessings instead of sheep.

Testimony

On this day I would like to bear my testimony
I know God lives. I know he is our Father and we are his sons and daughters. We are all spirit chidren of our Heavenly Father.I know we can turn to him with all our problems concerns and worries, for he took upon him the sins of the world that his bowels might be filled with mercy and compassion for us, that whatever we might be going through, he knows it. He has been through it and much worse. Nothing is too big for God, he stands waiting for us to turn to him, and in fact invites us to do so.
Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give unto you rest.
Matthew 11:28
I know we came here to be tested and tried, but he will not leave us alone in our trials.
I know the scriptures are true.
I know the Bible and the book of Mormon are the word of God, and the Book of Mormon is another Testament of Jesus Christ.
Behold I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that you would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down to the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts
And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that you would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye should ask with a sincere heart, with real intent having faith in Christ,He will manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things
Moroni 10: 3-5
I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for his tender mercies and blessings, his peace and his comfort.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid John 14:27
I leave this testimony with you humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

More than one way to look at things

And the word for the day is.........- Serenity- clear, quiet,calm.

Recently I had a drinking dream, they always take me by surprise because I think I am done with them, and then I wake up all distraught, with the dream very clear in my mind. For those of you who don't know what a drinking dream is......It is after getting sober, you have dreams in which, you are still drinking. The last two of these dreams I had I was searching for the best The "top shelf" what I was drinking was not enough for me, I needed more, and I was aware that I could not get enough, enough buzz from the lower shelf and even when I found the top, the higher proof, I could not get enough of that either. the most current of the two was the same, I could not get enough and I was aware of that, and frightened of it. I was so afraid of what I was doing, so guilty and so ashamed. Mostly in these dreams, I am saying to myself when did I start this again? How long have I been drinking, I am never aware of when it started, I am just in the middle of that mess again, always wanting, needing more and there is just never enough. After I awake and realize it was just a dream, I become aware that it was not just a dream, It was more like a reality that serves to remind me how truly powerless over alcohol that I am,How frightened I was to wake up when I was drinking,How blessed I am to wake up today sober.There are always more than one way to look at things,and I think sometimes the adversary can't get me to give in to the temptation to drink when I am awake, and tries to get into my subconscious while I am asleep. He does shake me up quite a bit on awakening, but I just look to my God and thank him for another day sober.

GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.